Thursday, June 19, 2014
Reasons...i have so many, but do i really??
I've been in a super-complex situation ever since i started going back to work. Been fighting with my innerself over this issue. My intuitive gut resist and is reluctant to go to work. My logic insist my going to work for the trouble i will get myself if i don't.
I am not at and have not been at peace ever since..not when my innerself is constantly at a war of their own. My external feature is a great actress, sinfully cooperating, camouflaging , portraying happiness as often as it could so that no one notice. So that everyone thinks i'm happily and peacefully my hellish life.
I have been and am currently sacrificing my life to make others happy. Who are the others? well, they are my bosses, organization, friends, family, specifically husband and children and i am also trying to please the universe so that i would become a good caliph...But, when think deep, flash back at my life, i asked myself, what about my own happiness? Am i really happy, deep down? Or am i just sweet talking myself? Worst still been lying to myself that I am happy, when I am not.To an extent, i've had enough of trying to look beyond every imperfections.
I asked myself, what good have i done to myself all these years? Too obviously bad for me, i dont have much answers..i only have questions, questions and more question without very little answer.
I just wanted to be a good, compassionate, humanely human, that my existence adds up kindness and goodness and benefited others. That's why i am nice, easily forgives and bounced back even though i've been stabbed, betrayed, used, wrongly judged, misunderstood, neglected and so on and so forth the bad list continues. At the same time, i just wanted to be HAPPY. Realizing that death will fetch me anytime, all i aske is just being happy and at ease. Am i asking too much?
I don't know....Now i just dont what to believe in anymore..i dont know what or why or who to trust anymore..all that i get are just words...cheap, pretentious insincere encouraging words. I dont need cheap talk, i needed help, actions.
I have forgotten about the things that i loved most, the activities i enjoyed most, most importantly i couldnt care less what people say or thinks of me. Sometimes i feel i'm not living, i'm just existing :(
Good luck finding your reasons fellow human animals!
Thursday, June 12, 2014
yeah..blame it all on ME
So yeah, i get discouraged many times, but i don't blame anyone else other than myself. I am weak, but i tried my utmost best to keep trying to make things better although sometimes i can always foresee how the ending will be. We gotta be positive, ain't it??
The thing that i've learned throughout my boring-rocky-bouncy life is that all important and stupid decisions i made or will be making was and is solely based on my own DECISION. I never BLAME anyone else but me for whatever outcomes i faced from my actions and decisions. The day I realized that I am in charged of how i will approach problems in my life, that things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else, was the day I knew I would be happier and responsible person, just as God had blessed me with the proper tools and mechanisms embedded in my systems since the day of my creation to assist me wisely/stupidly act and respond to situations.
In an essence, i would say that i am wholly responsible for all my actions on CHOICES. So, yeah, if you want to feel perfect, please feel free to put all the blame on ME. I just love, love, love taking all the blames. Blames are like medicine to my soul.
I always tell myself these:
Don't...blame others for something that you do all the time
Don't...blame others for your stupidity
Don't...blame others when your life is all about the choices YOU make
Don't...blame others for criticizing you, but do reflect on your own behaviour
Because..your life is what you makie it. So don't blame others when you screw up!
Have a Happy Blaming Day!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Darkest stormy weather, EVER!
I've tried....but to no use. Here's wishing you an eternity of happiness with your friends and whatever path you chooses. You'll always be in my prayers and in my heart.
I'm so sorry... for my handicap, unable to be the best kind of your typically expected teenage friends who are more LIKE you or the kind that has the type of thinking that suits your situation.
I'm so very sorry.. for provoking all the questions about life, religions,beliefs and thinking. I have no intention of drawing you away from whatever you believed in, i'm just being ME. I'm full of arguments, questions and provocations..and at first i thought you were different, like me, but i was totally wrong.
Don't say... i didn't try to please you, don't say that i didn't try to fit into your expectations, don't say i didn't try to hold on, don't say i didn't sacrifice, don't say i didn't care, don't say i didn't lower myself down to be at your level cause you knew damn well what i did and went through, for you. But as any human, i have emotions too, i have expectations too, and i am not your age, and i'm sorry for not being able to always stay in "teenage mode", because i'm not.
I'm sorry... i can't always be at presence all the time for you. I'm not sure whether you understand my situation, but believe me, everyday, every second i wished we had switched places.
I'm not a person who easily shows my emotions, but when i do, it is because of frustrations, from accumulated disappointment, from the feeling of being disrespect.
Well, at least.... i've opened your mind, be in your way of your realizing your potential, at least i've opened your eyes and heart to the world you once were so racist about, that has helped you achieved so many successes and friends, at least i've you taught a thing or two of life's experiences, at least i've brought changes to your life, at the very most, i'm glad i've touched you heart and you had been a beautiful part of my life, that i could once more learn to trust someone (i couldn't thank you more for that!)
I know I'm not a good worth of influence to you, but i really hope you will find peace and serenity with the many of your acquaintances. Till then, thank you for the trust, time, efforts, energy, confidences, concerns and sacrifices that you've invested in me, mostly for the beautiful memories.
Sincerely,
The gemok you used to know
I'm so sorry... for my handicap, unable to be the best kind of your typically expected teenage friends who are more LIKE you or the kind that has the type of thinking that suits your situation.
I'm so very sorry.. for provoking all the questions about life, religions,beliefs and thinking. I have no intention of drawing you away from whatever you believed in, i'm just being ME. I'm full of arguments, questions and provocations..and at first i thought you were different, like me, but i was totally wrong.
Don't say... i didn't try to please you, don't say that i didn't try to fit into your expectations, don't say i didn't try to hold on, don't say i didn't sacrifice, don't say i didn't care, don't say i didn't lower myself down to be at your level cause you knew damn well what i did and went through, for you. But as any human, i have emotions too, i have expectations too, and i am not your age, and i'm sorry for not being able to always stay in "teenage mode", because i'm not.
I'm sorry... i can't always be at presence all the time for you. I'm not sure whether you understand my situation, but believe me, everyday, every second i wished we had switched places.
I'm not a person who easily shows my emotions, but when i do, it is because of frustrations, from accumulated disappointment, from the feeling of being disrespect.
Well, at least.... i've opened your mind, be in your way of your realizing your potential, at least i've opened your eyes and heart to the world you once were so racist about, that has helped you achieved so many successes and friends, at least i've you taught a thing or two of life's experiences, at least i've brought changes to your life, at the very most, i'm glad i've touched you heart and you had been a beautiful part of my life, that i could once more learn to trust someone (i couldn't thank you more for that!)
I know I'm not a good worth of influence to you, but i really hope you will find peace and serenity with the many of your acquaintances. Till then, thank you for the trust, time, efforts, energy, confidences, concerns and sacrifices that you've invested in me, mostly for the beautiful memories.
Sincerely,
The gemok you used to know
Monday, July 15, 2013
BeeN uNdEr tHe KNIFE & nOw UnDer tHe DeeP sToRmY wEaThEr oF hEaLtH
Salam all,
I underwent a laparotomy surgery on wednesday to remove tumor in my ovaries which turned up to be an endometriosis tumor.The whole adventure started with my checking-in to the hospital on tuesday, right after work and had my last meal at 7.30pm and last drink at 9.00pm. Based on my experience with cystoscopy procedure 2 weeks earlier, i assured myself that lack of sleep will definitely (as if the anaesthetic isn't strong enough, duhh) ensures better "sleep" during the surgery. So on the night of the operation i amended and finalized my thesis and sent it to the editor. Just as i was to sleep at 2am, the nurses came and check my bp, pulse and recorded my temp., and this continued until 6.30am. At 6.30am the nurse came in, told me that they are going to insert the urethral catheter at 7.30am. As surgery was scheduled at 9.30am, I rejected the nurses order and instead asked for it be done in the OT when i was asleep- i've gone through this procedure a couple of times, so let's save the pain and discomfort for later.
I was wheeled on bed to the OT at 9.00am. There i met my anaesthesiologist, Dr. Murali. During our short introductory meeting I raised up my concern- i don't tolerate pain well, and shared my discomforting experiences with anaesthetic. Not only was he handsome and amazingly understood my wishes, the whole procedure of getting me to sleep was 100%awesomely pain free!
It was like 3 seconds after i laid on the operating table, saw Dr. Haris with his army head band signalling something, i blacked out. 3 hours later i was waken up by the nurses voice calling my name. As i drowsily opens my eyes i saw my wonderful anaesthesiologist smiling telling me that everything went well, simultaneously pulling out the oxygen tube from my throat. I was so highly drowsy that i could not keep my eyes open. Half an hour stationed at the post-opt, i was wheeled back to my room at 3rd floor.
The transition from operation bed to recovery bed was not NICE at all! At this point i am much awake and feeling pain as if my body was split half. Once i was settled on my bed, i realized i had tubes coming out of my urethra on my right and another tube from the incision on my left and i unconsciously dozed off for about an hour. Dr. Haris came to check on me at about 2.30pm and told me that he had taken out both ovaries, and removed tumors on both instead of only on left ovary as planned as he noticed that the right ovary also had tumor which did not show during the previous scans.
Yadda..yadda..ouch! ouch! to cut the story short, they removed the urine catheter on thursday morning and my first, second and third trip to the bathroom was a near-death-totally-ripping-off-my body experience while carrying my "handbag" of wound blood. I was also kept starved until thursday's dinner, specifically until i farted my tenth farts- mind you, i last eaten on tuesday! and, i bloated like crazy frog! later that thursday i had the "handbag" tube pulled out and it was also a breath stopping experience.
Now resting and recovering at home, all i can say is that i am traumatized by open surgery- not only will you suffer from excruciating pain of being cut almost into half, but are topped off with other side pains imposed on your hand (IV drips), sharp shooting wind that filled and moves around in your belly and waist from being bloated, peeing tube, painkiller shots at the bum and many more. Although it has been 6 days since my surgery, i am still bloating like a balloon and it is painful.
I underwent a laparotomy surgery on wednesday to remove tumor in my ovaries which turned up to be an endometriosis tumor.The whole adventure started with my checking-in to the hospital on tuesday, right after work and had my last meal at 7.30pm and last drink at 9.00pm. Based on my experience with cystoscopy procedure 2 weeks earlier, i assured myself that lack of sleep will definitely (as if the anaesthetic isn't strong enough, duhh) ensures better "sleep" during the surgery. So on the night of the operation i amended and finalized my thesis and sent it to the editor. Just as i was to sleep at 2am, the nurses came and check my bp, pulse and recorded my temp., and this continued until 6.30am. At 6.30am the nurse came in, told me that they are going to insert the urethral catheter at 7.30am. As surgery was scheduled at 9.30am, I rejected the nurses order and instead asked for it be done in the OT when i was asleep- i've gone through this procedure a couple of times, so let's save the pain and discomfort for later.
I was wheeled on bed to the OT at 9.00am. There i met my anaesthesiologist, Dr. Murali. During our short introductory meeting I raised up my concern- i don't tolerate pain well, and shared my discomforting experiences with anaesthetic. Not only was he handsome and amazingly understood my wishes, the whole procedure of getting me to sleep was 100%awesomely pain free!
It was like 3 seconds after i laid on the operating table, saw Dr. Haris with his army head band signalling something, i blacked out. 3 hours later i was waken up by the nurses voice calling my name. As i drowsily opens my eyes i saw my wonderful anaesthesiologist smiling telling me that everything went well, simultaneously pulling out the oxygen tube from my throat. I was so highly drowsy that i could not keep my eyes open. Half an hour stationed at the post-opt, i was wheeled back to my room at 3rd floor.
The transition from operation bed to recovery bed was not NICE at all! At this point i am much awake and feeling pain as if my body was split half. Once i was settled on my bed, i realized i had tubes coming out of my urethra on my right and another tube from the incision on my left and i unconsciously dozed off for about an hour. Dr. Haris came to check on me at about 2.30pm and told me that he had taken out both ovaries, and removed tumors on both instead of only on left ovary as planned as he noticed that the right ovary also had tumor which did not show during the previous scans.
Yadda..yadda..ouch! ouch! to cut the story short, they removed the urine catheter on thursday morning and my first, second and third trip to the bathroom was a near-death-totally-ripping-off-my body experience while carrying my "handbag" of wound blood. I was also kept starved until thursday's dinner, specifically until i farted my tenth farts- mind you, i last eaten on tuesday! and, i bloated like crazy frog! later that thursday i had the "handbag" tube pulled out and it was also a breath stopping experience.
Now resting and recovering at home, all i can say is that i am traumatized by open surgery- not only will you suffer from excruciating pain of being cut almost into half, but are topped off with other side pains imposed on your hand (IV drips), sharp shooting wind that filled and moves around in your belly and waist from being bloated, peeing tube, painkiller shots at the bum and many more. Although it has been 6 days since my surgery, i am still bloating like a balloon and it is painful.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
My colourful flavourable bestest flower friend
How would you rate the flower Dahlia? do you find it beautiful? pleasing to your eyes and mind? does it make your day happier or brighter?
As for me, I am thankful to Allah for blessing me with a Dahlia "flower". This special flower was Allah's gift to me -to be my friend, foe and everything that i needed during my ups and downs, in health and sickness, in rational and even poyoness. She's always there to entertain my fads, whims,arguments, etc at all times. She motivates me when i'm down, she made me laugh and she even drives me mad some time. I truly loved this Dahlia flower very much and she certainly has brought changes in my life. I couldn't imagine life without her.
I pray for us to be as closest as can be forever, and to grow old and share the remaining balance of our life's memories- be it good or bad memories.
To my beautiful Dahlia, i love and cherished you and the happiness, sadness and poyoness that you have brought into my life. My deepest gratitude to you for accepting me as who i am, thank you for all that you have done and will do for me in the future if i were ever in need of extra hands, ears, and help, i am truly sorry for all the wrongdoings that i did to you- i know some times u cried because of me cause i also cried because of you. I want you to know that my life has been more colourful ever since you came, so please remain and add more colours, brightness and contrast to my life.
As for me, I am thankful to Allah for blessing me with a Dahlia "flower". This special flower was Allah's gift to me -to be my friend, foe and everything that i needed during my ups and downs, in health and sickness, in rational and even poyoness. She's always there to entertain my fads, whims,arguments, etc at all times. She motivates me when i'm down, she made me laugh and she even drives me mad some time. I truly loved this Dahlia flower very much and she certainly has brought changes in my life. I couldn't imagine life without her.
I pray for us to be as closest as can be forever, and to grow old and share the remaining balance of our life's memories- be it good or bad memories.
To my beautiful Dahlia, i love and cherished you and the happiness, sadness and poyoness that you have brought into my life. My deepest gratitude to you for accepting me as who i am, thank you for all that you have done and will do for me in the future if i were ever in need of extra hands, ears, and help, i am truly sorry for all the wrongdoings that i did to you- i know some times u cried because of me cause i also cried because of you. I want you to know that my life has been more colourful ever since you came, so please remain and add more colours, brightness and contrast to my life.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
under the weather and under A LOT OF PRESSURE!
just a quick update. mm...i have been under the weather for the past couple of days, and getting worst. To top it off, thesis is a total disaster., and to make things much more worst than it has already been, a best friend of mine started being a super poyo, which annoyed me to the max. I guess if she had done it at other times (when i'm not in double or triple messed up) i could just laughed at it and make jokes out of it like i always did all these while. But worry not my friend, i'm still your friend and whatever happened wasn't anyone's fault. I seriously put all the blame to the haunting of the thesis! What say you?
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Kelaut jua akhirnya :(
I'm so sad, so sad, so very truly sad.. so sad with myself, angry with myself. Why? Because i didn't put in the effort i should for this semester's final exam. In fact, today's papers was the worst bullshits i've ever composed. U nailed it peeps, i went into exam hall with almost ZERO reading on the subject. Honestly, i am terribly demotivated this semester. I've tried hard to recover myself but it's just ain't working. All i can say, my inner self is fighting a super hard battle for reasons that i myself cannot justify.
I blamed it on fatigue, i blamed it all on my surroundings, life events and chores, but hey, who am i kidding?
I have two more papers to go and with my current state, i think today's history is about to be repeated, although i prefer not to. Please pray for my recovery from this undefined indescribable sickness.
I blamed it on fatigue, i blamed it all on my surroundings, life events and chores, but hey, who am i kidding?
I have two more papers to go and with my current state, i think today's history is about to be repeated, although i prefer not to. Please pray for my recovery from this undefined indescribable sickness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)