Reasons...i have so many, but do i really??

I've been in a super-complex situation ever since i started going back to work. Been fighting with my innerself over this issue. My intuitive gut resist and is reluctant to go to work. My logic insist my going to work for the trouble i will get myself if i don't.

I am not at and have not been at peace ever since..not when my innerself is constantly at a war of their own. My external feature is a great actress, sinfully cooperating, camouflaging , portraying happiness as often as it could so that no one notice. So that everyone thinks i'm happily and peacefully my hellish life.

I have been and am currently sacrificing my life to make others happy. Who are the others? well, they are my bosses, organization, friends, family, specifically husband and children and i am also trying to please the universe so that i would become a good caliph...But, when think deep, flash back at my life, i asked myself, what about my own happiness? Am i really happy, deep down? Or am i just sweet talking myself? Worst still been lying to myself that I am happy, when I am not.To an extent, i've had enough of trying to look beyond every imperfections.

I asked myself, what good have i done to myself all these years? Too obviously bad for me, i dont have much answers..i only have questions, questions and more question without very little answer.

I just wanted to be a good, compassionate, humanely human, that my existence adds up kindness and goodness and benefited others. That's why i am nice, easily forgives and bounced back even though i've been stabbed, betrayed, used, wrongly judged, misunderstood, neglected and so on and so forth the bad list continues. At the same time, i just wanted to be HAPPY. Realizing that death will fetch me anytime, all i aske is just being happy and at ease. Am i asking too much?

 I don't know....Now i just dont what to believe in anymore..i dont know what or why or who to trust anymore..all that i get are just words...cheap, pretentious insincere encouraging words. I dont need cheap talk, i needed help, actions.

I have forgotten about the things that i loved most, the activities i enjoyed most, most importantly i couldnt care less what people say or thinks of me. Sometimes i feel i'm not living, i'm just existing :(

Good luck finding your reasons fellow human animals!