Reasons...i have so many, but do i really??

I've been in a super-complex situation ever since i started going back to work. Been fighting with my innerself over this issue. My intuitive gut resist and is reluctant to go to work. My logic insist my going to work for the trouble i will get myself if i don't.

I am not at and have not been at peace ever since..not when my innerself is constantly at a war of their own. My external feature is a great actress, sinfully cooperating, camouflaging , portraying happiness as often as it could so that no one notice. So that everyone thinks i'm happily and peacefully my hellish life.

I have been and am currently sacrificing my life to make others happy. Who are the others? well, they are my bosses, organization, friends, family, specifically husband and children and i am also trying to please the universe so that i would become a good caliph...But, when think deep, flash back at my life, i asked myself, what about my own happiness? Am i really happy, deep down? Or am i just sweet talking myself? Worst still been lying to myself that I am happy, when I am not.To an extent, i've had enough of trying to look beyond every imperfections.

I asked myself, what good have i done to myself all these years? Too obviously bad for me, i dont have much answers..i only have questions, questions and more question without very little answer.

I just wanted to be a good, compassionate, humanely human, that my existence adds up kindness and goodness and benefited others. That's why i am nice, easily forgives and bounced back even though i've been stabbed, betrayed, used, wrongly judged, misunderstood, neglected and so on and so forth the bad list continues. At the same time, i just wanted to be HAPPY. Realizing that death will fetch me anytime, all i aske is just being happy and at ease. Am i asking too much?

 I don't know....Now i just dont what to believe in anymore..i dont know what or why or who to trust anymore..all that i get are just words...cheap, pretentious insincere encouraging words. I dont need cheap talk, i needed help, actions.

I have forgotten about the things that i loved most, the activities i enjoyed most, most importantly i couldnt care less what people say or thinks of me. Sometimes i feel i'm not living, i'm just existing :(

Good luck finding your reasons fellow human animals!

yeah..blame it all on ME

So yeah, i get discouraged many times, but i don't blame anyone else other than myself. I am weak, but i tried my utmost best to keep trying to make things better although sometimes i can always foresee how the ending will be. We gotta be positive, ain't it??

The thing that i've learned throughout my boring-rocky-bouncy life is that all important and stupid decisions i made or will be making was and is solely based on my own DECISION. I never BLAME anyone else but me for whatever outcomes i faced from my actions and decisions. The day I realized that I am in charged of how i will approach problems in my life, that things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else, was the day I knew I would be happier and responsible person, just as God had blessed me with the proper tools and mechanisms embedded in my systems since the day of my creation to assist me wisely/stupidly act and respond to situations.

In an essence, i would say that i am wholly responsible for all my actions on CHOICES. So, yeah, if you want to feel perfect, please feel free to put all the blame on ME. I just love, love, love taking all the blames. Blames are like medicine to my soul.

I always tell myself these:
Don't...blame others for something that you do all the time
Don't...blame others for your stupidity
Don't...blame others when your life is all about the choices YOU make
Don't...blame others for criticizing you, but do reflect on your own behaviour
Because..your life is what you makie it. So don't blame others when you screw up!

Have a Happy Blaming Day!

Darkest stormy weather, EVER!

I've tried....but to no use. Here's wishing you an eternity of happiness with your friends and whatever path you chooses. You'll always be in my prayers and in my heart.

 I'm so sorry... for my handicap, unable to be the best kind of your typically expected  teenage friends who are more LIKE you or the kind that has the type of thinking that suits your situation.
 I'm so very sorry.. for provoking all the questions about life, religions,beliefs and thinking. I have no intention of drawing you away from whatever you believed in, i'm just being ME. I'm full of arguments, questions and provocations..and at first i thought you were different, like me, but i was totally wrong.

Don't say... i didn't try to please you, don't say that i didn't try to fit into your expectations, don't say i didn't try to hold on, don't say i didn't sacrifice, don't say i didn't care, don't say i didn't lower myself down to be at your level cause you knew damn well what i did and went through, for you. But as any human, i have emotions too, i have expectations too, and i am not your age, and i'm sorry for not being able to always stay in "teenage mode", because i'm not.

I'm sorry... i can't always be at presence all the time for you. I'm not sure whether you understand my situation, but believe me, everyday, every second i wished we had switched places.

I'm not a person who easily shows my emotions, but when i do, it is because of frustrations, from accumulated disappointment, from the feeling of being disrespect.

Well, at least.... i've opened your mind, be in your way of your realizing your potential, at least i've opened your eyes and heart to the world you once were so racist about, that has helped you achieved so many successes and friends, at least i've you taught a thing or two of life's experiences, at least i've brought changes to your life, at the very most, i'm glad i've touched you heart and you had been a beautiful part of my life, that i could once more learn to trust someone (i couldn't thank you more for that!)

I know I'm not a good worth of  influence to you, but i really hope you will find peace and serenity with the many of your acquaintances. Till then, thank you for the trust, time, efforts, energy, confidences, concerns and sacrifices that you've invested in me, mostly for the beautiful memories.

Sincerely,
The gemok you used to know